I had a conversation with a friend recently about dating. She's going through a divorce and is thinking about getting "back out there" (ugh) and for some reason, we started talking about sports.
"I guess I'll have to start watching more games now that I'm going to be dating again. I don't want some guy to not think I'm interesting."
Oh, boy. I remember having those exact same thoughts when I was new to the dating pool.
What if no man LIKES ME???!?
I don't mean to dismiss this fear. It's legit. I felt it acutely when I started dating because at the time I'd been a stay-at-home mom for years and thought there wasn't a more boring woman on this earth than me. I mean, it's hard to make Everyday Math and the weird rash my daughter had into good date conversation. I remember making myself sit down and watch baseball and football games just in case the subject should come up on a date.
Yeah. I don't do that anymore.
Don't get me wrong. If I'm out or at a friend's house I'll watch whatever's on and enjoy it. But I'm not just going to sit alone in my house and turn on the Bronco game. (Actually, this year I don't think anyone is doing that. I know enough to know this is not their year.)
So, when my friend said that I immediately said, "Why? No man is sitting down to watch Bridgerton by himself hoping that will make him more attractive to a woman."
GAAAAAHHHH!!! The things we do to make ourselves "attractive" to a man. It's ridiculous. And guess what? The end result is that everyone is miserable. Here's why:
You're not being authentic.
This whole "I love everything you love" tactic while you're dating will make you miserable down the road. I remember breaking it to my husband years after we were married that I didn't actually like to go to the dirt track and watch local racing. He was crushed. It was like I'd lied to him for years. And guess what? I HAD. As a 20-something-year-old I had sold him on this woman who loved doing everything he did. But that wasn't the truth. And that made things really hard later in our marriage as we readjusted our expectations.
You don't want to date yourself.
And if the guy is smart, he doesn't either. There is nothing wrong with having separate interests. "You go to the game with your buddies, I'm going to the theater." Or taking a nap (that's actually my favorite hobby). It is pretty interesting how men DO seem to want to date themselves in a way. When you look at online profiles and they're posing with some big fish or something you have to wonder who they think their target audience is. All I can think is, "I'm not cleaning that thing." But if we all dated people who were just like us...it would be so boring. Compromising and occasionally doing things that the other person likes can open up new interests and that's really cool. But you don't have to completely change who you are to attract a man.
You might not know yourself as well as you should.
Again, I started doing the same thing my friend is doing when I first started dating. It wasn't until I intentionally spent some time alone that I became comfortable with who I was and confident that whether I found Mr. Right or not...I could be happy. I always say that if you're dating because you have a fear of being alone, mistakes will be made. I believe that you have to go into dating with a "take it or leave it" attitude to find the person who will best fit who YOU are.
I think so many women go into dating like they're being interviewed and forget that they need to be interviewing, too. It's not ALL about HIM. It's about you both. When you're uncertain about who you are, you leave the door wide open for some terrible dating experiences.
Bottom line: Only watch football if you WANT to.
I'll be over here watching Bridgerton.
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