I'm not in a great headspace right now, so please forgive me if this turns into a rant. I'm having one of those toddler moments when I just want to sit down on the floor and wail.
And I've done that quite a bit the last couple of days. Not as much on the floor, but in my bed, in the car, and many times at my desk (yes, I work from home so the only coworker who is alarmed is my dog).
The last couple of months have been non-stop and I think I've finally hit my limit. Between the constant activity and my husband's death anniversary (and our wedding anniversary) coming up, my whole body feels like it's just DONE.
Last week I went with my daughter to her freshman orientation and after we got back from the airport at 1 AM, I could barely move for the next 24-hours. I've managed to rally and get moving when I need to, but my body, mind and spirit are just spent right now.
I know you know what I'm talking about.
I've spent the last week in varying stages of self-pity; those moments have been broken up by frustration and anger. And that's not like me. I'm actually a pretty naturally optimistic person (not counting this blog). But I'm just. so. tired.
This morning I was trying to look at articles for clients and I could not read them. Seriously. I had no idea what they meant. It was like they were written in a foreign language when in fact they were in English. But right now I only speak Grief.
A few weeks ago, I had someone tell me that I needed to say "no" more, that I was self-sabotaging myself by being so busy. I was already in a fragile state of mind, but that fragility quickly turned to fury.
Note to the world at large: Don't ever tell a widowed single mother that she should say "no" more. It's not helpful and just says to the widow that you have no concept of what she goes through daily.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY NO TO? Being the only parent? The only person who pays the bills? Oh, wait! I know. I should say no to getting my sprinkler system fixed and going to the grocery store.
Better yet, maybe I shouldn't try to figure out how I'm going to pay for college next year and when I'm going to get my oil changed.
Sorry, World. Someone told me to say "no" so I guess that means I don't have to do anything I don't want to for the next month. I had no idea it would be so easy!
Yeah. Right.
I just had a therapy session and I actually warned my therapist in a text before I got there.
I'm not doing well, I said. I'm nauseous and I can't stop crying.
By the time I got there, I was pretty tempted to ask her if I could take a $150 nap on her couch. I just wanted my mind to stop.
I want a vacation from being a widow. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I had a dream about my husband and he was driving us somewhere.
"You need to slow down," I said.
"I know what I'm doing," he replied.
"Obviously not," I snapped alluding to the car accident that killed him.
Even my dead husband can't avoid my bad mood.