I've been thinking about this blog for months and I think I've been somewhat afraid to write it. Writing is how I process things and tends to make what I'm going through very real for me. And this is really happening.
In just a few days, I'll bring my youngest out of state to school, officially cementing my status as an empty nester. I vacillate between being wildly excited about this next chapter and being utterly terrified.
Right now, I'm going through the "lasts." The last weekend at home with her, the last time I'll have to yell at her about her room (I won't miss that so much), the last time I make her favorite dinner, and the last time I can use the excuse that I have teenagers in the house to buy junk food.
Like I said, part of me is really excited about this. I've done this twice before and the first time was definitely the hardest (so far). I'm not ashamed to say that I nearly had a nervous breakdown to the point where I didn't know if I'd be able to get on the plane to go home because I'd been sobbing so hard in my hotel room for 24 hours.
But I got home. I cried over the empty bedroom and how lonely I felt, even though I had two more kids at home. Fortunately, I had a friend who gave me this insight: it's extremely hard when they first leave, but you adjust and by the time they come home for the holidays, you're ready for them to visit and then go back.
She was right. I adjusted, which is what is making me feel a little stronger this time. I know it will be hard, but I know I'll eventually be okay.
I think the anticipation is often worse than the actual event. Right now I'm getting very little done because if she's around (and awake - always tricky with an 18-year-old) I want to spend time with her. That means I'm putting things on hold (do I golf next week or will I regret those two hours I wasn't home with her?) and have been fairly unproductive.
I'm at that stage of the impending empty nest where I'm "this close" to watching her sleep and putting her nail clippings in a jar. But I'll refrain from doing that.
When I think ahead to what is possibly next, I feel a little unmoored. I don't have a spouse or a significant other to take care of, so my time is about to be entirely my own. This is both exciting and overwhelming.
In a new podcast episode of Happier with Gretchen Rubin, she asked the question...
"Do you seek more abundance or more simplicity?"
I LOVED this question and I think I want a mix of both. For example, as I was tearing up thinking about my empty nest I happened to drive by the neighborhood elementary school with the sign advertising back-to-school dates. I felt immediately relieved that I no longer had to deal with school parking lots and after-school activities. So, things will be simplified.
On the other hand, being a widowed single mother, I have spent 17 years raising kids by myself and making them the complete focus. I have no idea what it's like to have time entirely to myself and to be able to do whatever I want, which is where I differ from a lot of my friends; most of them have a spouse to consider and I don't. This allows for more abundance in my life, but I have to be creative about it.
So, I'll count down these next few days. I'll hope that I can make it home before I totally lose it. I'll keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to have kids that I like so much, which is why this letting go is so hard.
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