Damn, That Was Hard

Last week, I started thinking about my first years as a widow - I'm not really sure why. As anyone who has experienced a loss (or, in some cases, just life in general) knows, the past can seem like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time.

I thought about how independent the kids are now at 18, 16, and 14. When I started my blog, they were 6, 4, and 2. It's almost beyond comprehension how much has changed.

For some reason, I thought about just the small task of going to get a gallon of milk. Back then, I had to pack three small children up before I could even run one tiny errand. It took so much time and effort that I'm, frankly, surprised we didn't die of malnutrition. These days, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

It doesn't just seem like a lifetime ago...it seems like it happened to another person. Remembering back to that time, I turned to my mom and said, "I can't believe how hard everything was."

My life was literally lived one day, one moment at a time. These days, with three teenagers (one of whom is in college), I have a freedom I couldn't even imagine back then. In another few years, that freedom will grow as the kids move out, one by one.

Back when I could barely see my life because it had become so blurry, one of the things I kept reminding myself was that I needed to be patient. For better or for worse, those days wouldn't last forever (even though they felt like it). The only thing I could be sure of was that time would pass and things would change.

I have a picture in my bedroom that I took of the kids just weeks before Brad died. They were babies. That picture makes me feel so many things that it's actually very rare that I stop and look at it.

It makes me feel sad, knowing what was about to happen.

It shocks me that the kids were so little when I became a single mom.

It makes me miss kissing those sweet, chubby cheeks.

But most of all, it reminds me that time will go by. Nothing will stay the same. The kids will move out and maybe move back in again. I will always be a mom, no matter how that role changes. Good times should be treasured and bad times will pass because change is the only constant.